i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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