seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
