Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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