Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
