Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Randomize
