It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
