just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
