my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
