margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
worst night to have a conscience
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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