Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
