You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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