Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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