Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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