Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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