I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize