It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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