Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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