A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Randomize
