i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
