he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Oh god it's open bar.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
