I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
