Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Quick, to the slutcave!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
