When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
