my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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