so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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