I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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