my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
