so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
