Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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