I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
