Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize