I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
