Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
