Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
