so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Randomize
