good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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