i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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