shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
