thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
