Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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