yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize