I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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