when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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