no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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