Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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