You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
