And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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