3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
