I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
