thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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