I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize