plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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