Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
