this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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