Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
