So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
