I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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