i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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