maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
