remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
