if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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