By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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