Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
