if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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