The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
