____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
