so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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