the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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