you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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