Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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