Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
