I just threw up on my dentist
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
