he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
